The Mother Load

A couple of months ago, I texted my mom the link to my latest Maisonette column. Grandma Susan is always my first and fastest reader, and within minutes I had a reply that basically said, “love it all except for that one answer -- here’s what I would have said instead.” 

 

In uncharacteristic fashion, I decided not to argue with her and instead suggested that she join me in co-writing the column we had planned for October about grandparent dilemmas. The great joy and irony of my relationship with my mom is that while she gives pitch-perfect advice on everything from book club picks to pet prescriptions (cheaper if you take them to a human pharmacy), she also raised me to be independent enough that most of the time I stick my fingers in my ears and say, “no thanks, I’d rather learn this the hard way.” 

 

But for you, dear readers, I will admit that she knows a heck of a lot more about being a grandmother (and a mom of four adult kids) than I do. So, we got on speaker phone -- her in her kitchen in Georgia and me from my remote-school-supply-and-laundry-strewn office in NYC -- and combed through dozens of your trickiest questions for this month’s column. I hope you find our conversation as genuinely helpful as I did.

Q: My mom never wants to do things my way with the baby. Do you have a good response when Grandma says, "Well, we did X and you turned out fine!"?

 

Susan: Hm. Look, there are things that are about health and safety that we now know more about than we did when we raised you. But other than that, most of these “my way” versus “your way” things are stylistic, just matters of taste. Try not to give them more weight than that.

 

Lauren: Maybe you’re just protecting us from making painful mistakes?

 

Susan: That’s a generous interpretation. I think your generation is much more lenient about things than we are comfortable with. 

 

Lauren: Explain.

 

Susan: Like letting the baby fall asleep on you instead of in a crib for naptime. Or keeping pacifiers around too long.

 

Lauren: But Mom, the science has changed on that.

 

Susan: See? And that’s all I need to hear. You can *always* quote an expert as your defense and that works for me. I mean, there are some things that grandmothers know are tried and true -- you don’t need to tell us how to change a diaper -- but also, we have to hope that each generation learns some new things we didn’t know before. Otherwise we are just marking time. Remember, the common goal that you and a Grandma both have is to raise a kid to become a wonderful adult. The rest is just details. And while you’re learning to be a mom, you’re teaching me how to be a grandparent at the same time.

 

Lauren: What about grandparents spoiling kids?

 

Susan: My friend Judy gives her grandchildren ice cream for breakfast on their birthdays. Once a year, why not?

Q: I can't tell my mom anything remotely challenging or negative because she will worry SO much. How do I get her support?

 

Susan: You know, this happened in my relationship with my own mom when you guys were kids. I had to have a big talk with Grandma about it.

 

Lauren: I remember! I have a distinct memory of being in our old kitchen and Grandma was visiting and you had this really intense heart to heart. I was confused at the time because I thought she was perfect. I remember Grandma cried.

 

Susan: Grandma had always been a worrier but it had gotten to the point where I felt devalued by how much she fretted about us and that’s all I heard from her. She was really stuck and couldn’t offer the support that I needed. I was having a hard time getting pregnant with your brother and was starting infertility treatments and she was just swirling with worry.

 

Lauren: What did you say? And did it work?

 

Susan: I asked her gently what bad decisions did she think that Dad and I had made in our marriage and our parenting for her to be so worried. In a quantitative way, I wanted her to put her fears in perspective. 

Lauren: Wow, that was really smart. What did she say?

 

Susan: She was stunned. She said, “None...I think you’ve only made great decisions and I’m proud of you.” And I said, “Well then, I think you can relax!” I also told her that there were so many other ways she could help our little family through a busy, stressful time than by worrying about us. Concrete things that nobody else could do for us, and she was happy to do them. That conversation changed everything for the better. It was liberating for her, I think.

Q: My mother feels hurt and sad when we spend more time with my mother-in-law who lives closer to us than she does. How should I handle that?

 

Susan: There’s too much scorekeeping, but with access to grandparents, it’s not “instead of” it’s “in addition to.” I have a friend whose daughter-in-law actually limits the days she can see her grandkids because it wouldn't be fair to the other grandma who lives out of town. That's just crazy. I've always believed that the more people who love your kids, the better. 

 

Lauren: That’s maybe the one lesson from you I never resisted! Still, I relate to this one since we live within driving distance of Ben’s parents but not you and Dad. Should this woman maybe just not mention to her mom how much she’s seeing her in laws?

 

Susan: No, no, no. I’ve seen that backfire. What if the grandmother finds out and then feels hurt that her daughter thought she couldn’t handle knowing? As with so many of the questions we got about what’s fair in splitting up time, it’s really about quality versus quantity. It’s not so hard to figure out something that feels better for both people.

 

Lauren: Right! I suppose it’s possible that the mother-in-law is jealous that although she gets the day to day togetherness, the other grandma gets big things like holidays or vacations.

 

Susan: It’s hard to know the circumstances. In your case, I’m really grateful for everything your in-laws do to help take good care of you. They’re wonderful. 

 

Lauren: I have an idea. What if the daughter actually thanks her mom for making her so comfortable with her mother-in-law? I mean it’s such a cliche but really common for daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law to fight. In this case, how wonderful that they do have a good relationship, and I’ll bet the daughter could credit her mom for that. For setting a good example, for letting her family be so accepting of help and love.

 

Susan: Exactly. In order to have a good relationship with your mother-in-law, you need to feel secure in your relationship with your own mom. This woman must! She should tell her that.

Q: How can I get the grandparents to quit buying so much stuff that my kids don't want or need?

 

Lauren: Mom, we got about five different versions of this question. Grandparents giving too many presents, the wrong kind of presents, wrong timing...

 

Susan: The circumstances really vary family to family. Your issue in New York has always been people giving you things that were too big for an apartment.

 

Lauren: Remember when Will was born and we got one rocking horse and two rocking snails? Rocking snails! I didn’t even have room for a changing table.

 

Susan: It’s easier when the kids get a little older and you can give things like experiences instead of stuff. Or to contribute to a summer camp fund.

 

Lauren: I will say, if your biggest complaint is that the grandparents are giving too many presents you’re doing just fine in the grandparents department. There was somebody who said that she was annoyed that her mom sent the kids little envelopes of plastic crap for every minor holiday. Just let Grandma have her fun, and let the kids enjoy being spoiled by plastic crap, and then throw it away when they’re done with it. Some of the questions, though, were more emotional. 

 

Susan: The woman who said that her mom would show up at Christmas with more presents than she’d been able to put under the tree herself for her kids. 

 

Lauren: Right, I have a feeling in that case it was less about worrying her kids would be spoiled, and more about worrying that she was falling short. Which of course she wasn’t. Kids appreciate the day-to-day of things like a favorite cereal bowl and bedtime books every bit as much as big events like Christmas. 

 

Susan: But stuffed animals….who needs all those stuffed animals?

 

Lauren: You hated when we got stuffed animals! So, okay, that’s a good for instance. How would you communicate that in a way that’s not going to offend?

 

Susan: So many of these predicaments are about not wanting to pick a fight or hurt the feelings of someone you love. I think if you state your hopeful, positive outcome at the beginning of the conversation, you keep grandparents from feeling like they are the enemy. Keeps them from being defensive. Say, “We look forward to getting your presents. They are always so loved and we remind the children constantly where they came from, but please, no more stuffed animals!”

 

Lauren: And then offer an alternative?

 

Susan: Send a link! I’m always thrilled to get a link!

 

Q: My mom thinks that social distancing will ruin her relationship with her grandkids. What do I do?

 

Susan: Dad and I have started doing “backwards hugs” with your nephews.

 

Lauren: What’s that?

 

Susan: I read about in the New York Times. You hug the child from behind and give them a kiss on top of their head. It’s not bulletproof, but I get to touch my grandkids, and now they run up to us and turn around and ask for backwards hugs.

 

Lauren: I love that. You’ve actually found something special between you that’s got its own weird version of Covid joy! In a time when so much has been taken away from us, having small ways of connecting that are additive and memorable goes really far. I remember when my boys were babies, you used to say that you were so worried they wouldn’t know you. That really made me sad, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

 

Susan: You put up pictures of us!

 

Lauren: Well, of course I put up pictures. 

 

Susan: I can’t tell you how much that helped. To know that we were in your lives, on your fridge, that you talked to the boys about us.

 

Lauren: I had no idea that helped!

 

Susan: It really did.

And now a quick lightning round of Susan’s best advice:

 

Q: I'm thankful for my mom's childcare help, but I feel guilty expecting so much from her.

“Say, ‘Here’s the help I need, what parts are you comfortable doing?’ That way it’s not all hers to handle and she knows whatever she can contribute does help.”

 

Q: How do I handle a request for a newborn visit from a grandparent who isn't social distancing properly?

“The answer is no. Your job is to protect your baby. And if the grandparent wants to see the baby, they’ll adjust their behavior.”

 

Q: How do you shut down a mother-in-law who constantly compares you to her daughter?

“Hey, she must think of you like a real daughter too then. Three cheers to you!”

 

Q: Any advice re: divorced grandparents? My mother-in-law is jealous of my father-in-law’s wife for being grandma too.

“That’s really their problem, not yours. Don’t try to fix it.”

 

Q: My mom started potty training my son super early without telling me.

“Good for her! Consider yourself lucky!”

Lauren Smith Brody is the author and founder of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity and Big Success After Baby. You can follow her on instagram @thefifthtrimester.