Ask Lauren
Fairness In The Workplace
What does fairness in the workplace look like now? Here, Lauren Smith Brody answers your questions on everything from winning at flex-time to feeling the brunt of childcare needs.
- Written By
- Lauren Smith Brody
- Illustration
- Maria-Ines Gul
A couple of centuries ago, in early March 2020, I rushed to school drop-off in full makeup and shapewear. I kissed my boys (who ducked the lipstick) and then hightailed it to Lincoln Center to give a speech in front of thousands of people, a six-minute rallying cry about the opportunity and obligation that we have, as mothers, to make things fair in the workplace.
It was my last big work achievement before the shutdown, and so much from that exhilarating day feels like an ancient relic already. I’m writing this, after all, in my PJs as the laundry spins and my sons are both on screens. But take away the blowout and heels of “the before time,” and what’s left is exactly that same core message, more vital than ever: Mothers have the power to be the arbiters of fairness—for ourselves, for our kids, and for everyone who needs an ally at work. Here’s how.
Q: As work reopens, what if I'm the only one who decides to stay home and everyone else is in the office?
A: First, if it’s reassuring to hear, I think that’s unlikely. Even if you’re the only person in your workplace with small children, you probably have colleagues with other less visible needs like eldercare, or an immunocompromised family member, or even mental health challenges of their own that might necessitate that flexibility of location.
But let’s go ahead and do the exercise of assuming you’re the only one with this request. Please do still make it! Yes, you’ll have to be extra conscious of face time (or, I guess, face-on-screen time), and you’ll need to be really clear with people about your availability (my advice: be predictable and reliable), but instead of thinking of your “otherness” as stigmatizing, see it as a strength.
You will be a shining example that your HR people or your communications team will trot out every single time someone asks about flex policies. To nail that opportunity, keep meticulous track of your output. Keep notes of your conversations and phone calls. Schedule regular check-ins with anyone you supervise and who supervises you. Make time for more social work catch-ups and business development (two things that can slip away too easily but are vitally important). And connect with other “onlies” so you can share resources and advice and be a rising tide for all.
Q: I'm noticing that my male colleagues aren't feeling the brunt of the childcare needs during quarantine. What happens if and when they outperform the women?
A: This is blood-boilingly hard. You’ve worked your tail off doing your paid job and doing your unpaid job (that’d be motherhood), and negotiating for what’s fair in your own partnership at home all during a pandemic and a revolution, and damn it, you shouldn’t have to worry about correcting gender imbalance in the workplace. But here we are, worrying. In my experience, most of the pain of anxiety comes from feeling like there’s nothing you can do to change the future. So, let’s get ahead of the problem instead and make a plan.
First, google “equity versus equality.” You will see a bunch of genius illustrations that show two versions of the same image: Three kids are standing on the sidelines of a baseball game trying to get a good view. They are different heights or differently abled (in a wheelchair). In the “equality” version of the picture, everyone gets the same size box to stand on...so the shortest kid still can’t see over the fence. In the “equity” version, everyone gets however many boxes they need to put everyone at the same height so they can all see the game.
This is what you’re going for: equity. Your male colleagues in single-income two-parent families have had an advantage that has nothing to do with the quality of their work...or yours. Not their fault, and they shouldn’t necessarily be held back. But you and other working parents who have shouldered childcare during this time deserve a couple of extra boxes to stand on.
Now, you have to decide what that “box” should be. Generally, advantage in the workplace falls in two buckets: 1) compensation, 2) career growth. Band together with other women/moms/caregivers/single parents and collectively create a plan that does its best to make you whole in both of these categories. That might look like a temporary childcare stipend, or more PTO for mental health days in 2021. Maybe it’s adjusting your bonus to be based on your performance averages from the past couple of years instead of this year, or moving up your annual review. The asks—and financial reality—are going to vary industry by industry, but remember that employers want to be fair (if only so they don’t get accused of discrimination). I’ll bet you can come up with a realistic plan that works for everyone.
Q: If you are interviewing for a full-time role, can you try to negotiate a part-time schedule? Is it even ethical to apply with the goal of negotiating a reduced schedule?
A: Short answer: Yes. Everything—absolutely everything—is on the table now as we redefine work norms for a post-pandemic world. (I hesitate to even type “post-pandemic” because who knows if and when we’ll ever truly be post...but you know what I mean. Throws salt over shoulder ptoo ptoo ptoo.)
If you would be doing the whole job, even on an abbreviated schedule, you should be paid in full. Your well-earned expertise might make you the best candidate for the job because you’re fast enough and efficient enough (and/or connected enough in your relationships) to not need to work traditional hours. Traditional, by the way, as an entire concept, is canceled. So no, I don’t think it’s unethical.
Two caveats: 1) Be careful about protecting your right to full-time benefits as often those are tied to the number of hours worked. 2) While it’s generally okay to wait until they want you and make an offer to start negotiating, you might need to bring your flexible hours plan up earlier (bury it in a list of q’s about flexibility and benefits) if a friend or close contact recommended you for the job. Fill that person in, and then proceed.
Q: What do you say when a colleague compares WFH with a dog to WFH with a toddler?
A: Honestly, I’d like to say a lot of things, many of them extremely eye-rolling and huffy and unkind, and, oh my God, I am obsessed with my puppy, but fur babies are not the same as human babies!
But, take a deep breath with me and let’s try to figure out why that colleague made that comparison. Most likely, it’s an awkward attempt to bond, or to excuse noise in the background of a call, or to welcome you to be more visible about your kid. Look for the good intentions, proceed with empathy, and you’ll receive it back times 10.
Lauren Smith Brody is the author and founder of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity and Big Success After Baby. You can follow her on instagram @thefifthtrimester.
It was my last big work achievement before the shutdown, and so much from that exhilarating day feels like an ancient relic already. I’m writing this, after all, in my PJs as the laundry spins and my sons are both on screens. But take away the blowout and heels of “the before time,” and what’s left is exactly that same core message, more vital than ever: Mothers have the power to be the arbiters of fairness—for ourselves, for our kids, and for everyone who needs an ally at work. Here’s how.
Q: As work reopens, what if I'm the only one who decides to stay home and everyone else is in the office?
A: First, if it’s reassuring to hear, I think that’s unlikely. Even if you’re the only person in your workplace with small children, you probably have colleagues with other less visible needs like eldercare, or an immunocompromised family member, or even mental health challenges of their own that might necessitate that flexibility of location.
But let’s go ahead and do the exercise of assuming you’re the only one with this request. Please do still make it! Yes, you’ll have to be extra conscious of face time (or, I guess, face-on-screen time), and you’ll need to be really clear with people about your availability (my advice: be predictable and reliable), but instead of thinking of your “otherness” as stigmatizing, see it as a strength.
You will be a shining example that your HR people or your communications team will trot out every single time someone asks about flex policies. To nail that opportunity, keep meticulous track of your output. Keep notes of your conversations and phone calls. Schedule regular check-ins with anyone you supervise and who supervises you. Make time for more social work catch-ups and business development (two things that can slip away too easily but are vitally important). And connect with other “onlies” so you can share resources and advice and be a rising tide for all.
Q: I'm noticing that my male colleagues aren't feeling the brunt of the childcare needs during quarantine. What happens if and when they outperform the women?
A: This is blood-boilingly hard. You’ve worked your tail off doing your paid job and doing your unpaid job (that’d be motherhood), and negotiating for what’s fair in your own partnership at home all during a pandemic and a revolution, and damn it, you shouldn’t have to worry about correcting gender imbalance in the workplace. But here we are, worrying. In my experience, most of the pain of anxiety comes from feeling like there’s nothing you can do to change the future. So, let’s get ahead of the problem instead and make a plan.
First, google “equity versus equality.” You will see a bunch of genius illustrations that show two versions of the same image: Three kids are standing on the sidelines of a baseball game trying to get a good view. They are different heights or differently abled (in a wheelchair). In the “equality” version of the picture, everyone gets the same size box to stand on...so the shortest kid still can’t see over the fence. In the “equity” version, everyone gets however many boxes they need to put everyone at the same height so they can all see the game.
This is what you’re going for: equity. Your male colleagues in single-income two-parent families have had an advantage that has nothing to do with the quality of their work...or yours. Not their fault, and they shouldn’t necessarily be held back. But you and other working parents who have shouldered childcare during this time deserve a couple of extra boxes to stand on.
Now, you have to decide what that “box” should be. Generally, advantage in the workplace falls in two buckets: 1) compensation, 2) career growth. Band together with other women/moms/caregivers/single parents and collectively create a plan that does its best to make you whole in both of these categories. That might look like a temporary childcare stipend, or more PTO for mental health days in 2021. Maybe it’s adjusting your bonus to be based on your performance averages from the past couple of years instead of this year, or moving up your annual review. The asks—and financial reality—are going to vary industry by industry, but remember that employers want to be fair (if only so they don’t get accused of discrimination). I’ll bet you can come up with a realistic plan that works for everyone.
Q: If you are interviewing for a full-time role, can you try to negotiate a part-time schedule? Is it even ethical to apply with the goal of negotiating a reduced schedule?
A: Short answer: Yes. Everything—absolutely everything—is on the table now as we redefine work norms for a post-pandemic world. (I hesitate to even type “post-pandemic” because who knows if and when we’ll ever truly be post...but you know what I mean. Throws salt over shoulder ptoo ptoo ptoo.)
If you would be doing the whole job, even on an abbreviated schedule, you should be paid in full. Your well-earned expertise might make you the best candidate for the job because you’re fast enough and efficient enough (and/or connected enough in your relationships) to not need to work traditional hours. Traditional, by the way, as an entire concept, is canceled. So no, I don’t think it’s unethical.
Two caveats: 1) Be careful about protecting your right to full-time benefits as often those are tied to the number of hours worked. 2) While it’s generally okay to wait until they want you and make an offer to start negotiating, you might need to bring your flexible hours plan up earlier (bury it in a list of q’s about flexibility and benefits) if a friend or close contact recommended you for the job. Fill that person in, and then proceed.
Q: What do you say when a colleague compares WFH with a dog to WFH with a toddler?
A: Honestly, I’d like to say a lot of things, many of them extremely eye-rolling and huffy and unkind, and, oh my God, I am obsessed with my puppy, but fur babies are not the same as human babies!
But, take a deep breath with me and let’s try to figure out why that colleague made that comparison. Most likely, it’s an awkward attempt to bond, or to excuse noise in the background of a call, or to welcome you to be more visible about your kid. Look for the good intentions, proceed with empathy, and you’ll receive it back times 10.
Lauren Smith Brody is the author and founder of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity and Big Success After Baby. You can follow her on instagram @thefifthtrimester.