How to Cope with the Holidays During COVID-19

Show of hands: How many of you, back in March, thought: Wow, this is scary and hard but I can get through this month and maybe even the whole spring, and heaven forbid there’s no camp, but okay, I could even manage summer. But at least by the holidays, we’ll sit around the fireplace and reflect on this year and think: Yep, we made it through to the other side. 

Yeah, me too. 

Let’s wallow for a moment together and mourn that loss. Feels mildly helpful. Maybe you pictured you and your kids dressing your aunt’s dog up like an elf, or wishing your neighbors peace at midnight mass, or frying latkes in your grandma’s hand me down cast iron skillet that your sister inherited. Some of those things are still possible, of course, but most of us are going to have to manage our own expectations of what’s realistic this year...or, even harder, our families’ expectations. 

Traditions aren’t actually about doing the thing. They’re about the shared feeling that they give you and your family (laughing at the dog, feeling hopeful with your neighbors, remembering great grandma together). And that’s a pretty great lesson to share with our kids. So while I don’t have perfect advice for any specific family’s needs (my own include three states, two religions, school contact rules, and essential worker family members), I can offer this: Make new traditions that deliver the same feelings to be shared, even if our gatherings are different. 

Q: We are in New York. My family is in Massachusetts and my in-laws are in Florida. We want to start our own Christmas day traditions but also want to see both families—help!

A: Pandemic aside, this is a classic generation baton-passing question. Very often, grandparents aren’t ready to give up hosting just because you have your own kids now—in fact, having baby’s first Christmas in their home might be a big part of the way they imagined grandparenthood. In a not-2020 kind of year, you could just plant your holiday flag at home and invite everyone to you, leaving it up to them to decide if they’re coming.

This year, you’ve got a few options. If you decide to safely travel to one side of the family (but not the other) or invite one side to be with you (but not the other), do whatever you can to feel like the decision is fair. That sounds obvious, but my point is that YOU need to believe it’s fair for everyone else to eventually fall in line too. That might mean making in-person plans with the other side of the family for the spring, for instance. Or maybe what’s most fair is making sure that your kids can be showered with grandparental love, period, and so whomever is within driving distance gets you this year. 

If you do decide to stay home and do your own thing, incorporate at least one tradition from one side of the family and one from the other in your celebration and then share those moments virtually with your extended families so they can feel your appreciation for the past and your hope for the future. 

Q: I'm due on December 9, and we are hosting Thanksgiving. Any tips for this crazy time?

Without knowing your specific region/weather/house set-up/guest situation/state quarantine mandates, I’m just going to assume that you’re doing everything you need to do to be safe and healthy. Given that, let’s focus on keeping this fun and stress-free for you and your guests!

Here’s what you, a 9-months--pregnant- mom in a pandemic, have to remember: The harder you work, the more effort you put in, the more everybody else feels...bad. Yes, bad! Your family and guests want to pitch in and help, but they also want to be polite and do it on your terms. So, give out assignments. Keep the stuff you love if you have a penchant for pie crusts or some miraculous ability to turn a napkin into a cornucopia and then outsource every single other thing. Someone does dishes, someone else is in charge of centerpieces. We are all craving togetherness and teamwork anyway after all of these long months of social distancing, so put everyone to work. And if nobody’s good at dinner rolls, order them in from a bakery. It’s not cheating -- it’s supporting a small business!!

Oh, and PS: If you’re hosting, you definitely get first dibs at leftovers. Fill up your freezer for when the baby comes!

Q: I would love to see my family over the holidays but I do not think they have been taking social distancing as seriously as I have. How do I communicate that I would like to get together but that, ideally, they would be more careful in the next couple of weeks?

Here’s what’s helpful: You know these people. You really know these people. Do you think they can do it, can distance themselves exactly to your standards so that when you’re together you can relax and trust that you’re all safe? 

If YES... then politely spell out exactly what you would require. Feel free to say that the list of rules comes from your doctor or school -- something like this: “The kids and I want nothing more than to see you...We could just skip this year, but I am confident that we can all follow the same exact set of guidelines X, Y, Z, that our pediatrician and daycare say we must do. If you can’t or don’t want to, it’s absolutely okay to make different plans.”

But if NO? Celebrate virtually this year. Spare yourself and your family the agita of accusations and hurt feelings and mistrust, all of which could last far longer than this darn virus.

Lauren Smith Brody is the author and founder of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity and Big Success After Baby . You can follow her on instagram @thefifthtrimester.