Parental Arts
Eve Rodsky on How To Have A Fair Play Holiday
The author of the New York Times Best-Selling “Fair Play: A Game Changing Solution For When You Have Too Much To Do (And More Life To Live),” offers her best advice on how to survive the holidays with your sanity—and marriage—intact.
- Written By
- Eve Rodsky
It’s that oh-so-special time of year when women take on disproportionately more than their fair share of the domestic load in an annual effort to make this the best holiday ever! On top of everything else you already do on any given day, now add perusing, buying and wrapping holiday gifts (and sending them on time!), addressing holiday cards (and sending them on time!), planning holiday meals, hosting in-law visits, attending end-of-year parties, baking for cookie swaps, procuring teacher gifts, stuffing stockings, stringing lights, decorating the tree… and on and on it goes. The to-do list of big and small tasks necessary to keep the spirit of magic alive for your children can feel endless. All of this time-consuming, behind-the-scenes prepping, planning and then—doing!—can make the holiday season especially fraught.
With that in mind, I’ve created a few guidelines to help you and your partner play fair this holiday season.
Thoughtfully Create Your Life
Slow your roll! Before you automatically assert that the holidays are “on me” and single-handedly transform your home into a holiday theme park, pause and grab onto this mantra: I do not have to do it all. Rather than doing more, or continuing to believe that you should do it all by holding yourself to an unreasonable standard, save yourself from burnout and instead, sit down with your partner and make intentional choices about how you want to spend the holiday together as a couple, or as a family.
Customize Your Deck: The Holiday Hand
Based on my interviews with hundreds of couples, I’ve identified many holiday-related ‘task cards’ that may come into play this time of year. That being said, you do not have to hold them all. Rather, thoughtfully consider which cards you and your partner want to play so that the holidays don’t play you. Here’s the run-down:
-Childcare helpers (finding babysitters for adult-only holiday parties and holiday shopping)
-Home goods (holiday décor, decorating the Christmas tree, stringing lights)
-Hosting
-Memories & photos
-Storage, garage & seasonal items (locating the ornaments, the tree stand and the box of lights, menorah or kinara and candles, etc. )
-Charity, community service & good deeds (hopping on the holiday meal train for your elderly neighbor)
-Civic engagement & cultural enrichments (attending the community performance of The Nutcracker)
-Packing & unpacking (travel)
-Returns & store credits
-School breaks (how will you occupy and entertain the kids for 2 weeks off?)
-Travel
-Clothes & accessories (special holiday wear… jammies, church clothes, ugly sweaters)
-Homework (special holiday assignments like a Secret Santa project)
-Parents & in-laws (managing contact and visits around the holidays)
-Extended family (see above)
-Gifts (family)
-Gifts (VIPS i.e. teachers’ and boss’ gifts)
-Holiday cards
-Holidays (this cardholder is the project manager of all holiday-related cards in play)
-Magical beings (Elf on the shelf, Mench on a Bench, Santa and his reindeer )
-Money manager (what’s your holiday budget?)
-Spirituality
-Thank you notes
-Values & good deeds (kids)
-Watching (as in, who is watching the kids while we wrap the presents and hide them under the tree?)
Whew! An exhausting list, isn’t it? And depending on your particular lifestyle and beliefs, your list may stretch even longer. But I encourage you and your partner to build one. Visibility holds value because once you clearly see all that you’re doing, you can make more conscious choices about what you truly value.
Take an Inventory
Considering this list of holiday tasks and traditions, take an honest inventory of what you and your family most value. What is most important to you? What is your ‘why’ for doing what you do? External expectations? Family pressure? Or are you consciously choosing how you spend your time? If staying up past midnight to knit your children’s names onto their stockings doesn’t bring you joy, put down the darn needle and yarn and walk away! You can begin to lighten your load by taking things off the table that aren’t either relevant to your family or creating more satisfaction in your lives. I implore you: this holiday season, ditch the peer pressure and societal expectations and give yourself permission to do less.
Have A Game Plan
Once you and your partner have an honest discussion and determine what tasks and traditions are most valuable and worth the effort within your home, deal the cards. What cards will each of you hold and (big AND, here ) what does this responsibility entail from start to finish? This is where you must get granular or you run the risk of doubling up on efforts or unintentionally dropping the ball.
Once you and yours begin playing for value and delineating responsibilities in the spirit of individual ownership and enhanced efficiency, you and your partner will have more room for a second helping of mashed potatoes, along with a greater sense of fairness and joy throughout the season.
Now, that’s worth celebrating.
Eve Rodsky is working to change society one marriage at a time with a new 21st century solution to an age-old problem: women shouldering the brunt of childrearing and domestic life responsibilities regardless of whether they work outside the home. You can follow her @everodksy or @fairplaylife.
With that in mind, I’ve created a few guidelines to help you and your partner play fair this holiday season.
Thoughtfully Create Your Life
Slow your roll! Before you automatically assert that the holidays are “on me” and single-handedly transform your home into a holiday theme park, pause and grab onto this mantra: I do not have to do it all. Rather than doing more, or continuing to believe that you should do it all by holding yourself to an unreasonable standard, save yourself from burnout and instead, sit down with your partner and make intentional choices about how you want to spend the holiday together as a couple, or as a family.
Customize Your Deck: The Holiday Hand
Based on my interviews with hundreds of couples, I’ve identified many holiday-related ‘task cards’ that may come into play this time of year. That being said, you do not have to hold them all. Rather, thoughtfully consider which cards you and your partner want to play so that the holidays don’t play you. Here’s the run-down:
-Childcare helpers (finding babysitters for adult-only holiday parties and holiday shopping)
-Home goods (holiday décor, decorating the Christmas tree, stringing lights)
-Hosting
-Memories & photos
-Storage, garage & seasonal items (locating the ornaments, the tree stand and the box of lights, menorah or kinara and candles, etc. )
-Charity, community service & good deeds (hopping on the holiday meal train for your elderly neighbor)
-Civic engagement & cultural enrichments (attending the community performance of The Nutcracker)
-Packing & unpacking (travel)
-Returns & store credits
-School breaks (how will you occupy and entertain the kids for 2 weeks off?)
-Travel
-Clothes & accessories (special holiday wear… jammies, church clothes, ugly sweaters)
-Homework (special holiday assignments like a Secret Santa project)
-Parents & in-laws (managing contact and visits around the holidays)
-Extended family (see above)
-Gifts (family)
-Gifts (VIPS i.e. teachers’ and boss’ gifts)
-Holiday cards
-Holidays (this cardholder is the project manager of all holiday-related cards in play)
-Magical beings (Elf on the shelf, Mench on a Bench, Santa and his reindeer )
-Money manager (what’s your holiday budget?)
-Spirituality
-Thank you notes
-Values & good deeds (kids)
-Watching (as in, who is watching the kids while we wrap the presents and hide them under the tree?)
Whew! An exhausting list, isn’t it? And depending on your particular lifestyle and beliefs, your list may stretch even longer. But I encourage you and your partner to build one. Visibility holds value because once you clearly see all that you’re doing, you can make more conscious choices about what you truly value.
Take an Inventory
Considering this list of holiday tasks and traditions, take an honest inventory of what you and your family most value. What is most important to you? What is your ‘why’ for doing what you do? External expectations? Family pressure? Or are you consciously choosing how you spend your time? If staying up past midnight to knit your children’s names onto their stockings doesn’t bring you joy, put down the darn needle and yarn and walk away! You can begin to lighten your load by taking things off the table that aren’t either relevant to your family or creating more satisfaction in your lives. I implore you: this holiday season, ditch the peer pressure and societal expectations and give yourself permission to do less.
Have A Game Plan
Once you and your partner have an honest discussion and determine what tasks and traditions are most valuable and worth the effort within your home, deal the cards. What cards will each of you hold and (big AND, here ) what does this responsibility entail from start to finish? This is where you must get granular or you run the risk of doubling up on efforts or unintentionally dropping the ball.
Once you and yours begin playing for value and delineating responsibilities in the spirit of individual ownership and enhanced efficiency, you and your partner will have more room for a second helping of mashed potatoes, along with a greater sense of fairness and joy throughout the season.
Now, that’s worth celebrating.
Eve Rodsky is working to change society one marriage at a time with a new 21st century solution to an age-old problem: women shouldering the brunt of childrearing and domestic life responsibilities regardless of whether they work outside the home. You can follow her @everodksy or @fairplaylife.