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Sh*ts & Giggles

Morning Routine For Highly Ineffective Parents

"Most successful people carve out time in their morning to commit to things that make them feel relaxed, energized and motivated.” —The New York Times

Written By Liz McDaniel

Be sure to wake abruptly and at a different time each day to be reminded that you are at the mercy of small humans and your life is not your own.

Try to ignore the baby’s cries until your two-year-old strategically wields the language that derailed even your most earnest attempts at sleep-training: “Waaaaawa!”

Take a second to meditate on where your toddler learned to strain his voice as if actually perishing in the Sahara Desert.

Marvel jovially (not homicidally!) that your partner is still sleeping soundly.

Head to the kitchen for the aforementioned water and to prepare as many breakfast options as possible. This will take more of your time and also increase your chances of each child refusing every single one. Now sit back and watch the parade of childless, spandex-clad people running—actually running!—on the sidewalk below as you eat congealed oatmeal to the tune of your five-year-old screaming but I wanted scrambled eggs!

Spend a few minutes reflecting on that week in your twenties when you committed to rising at 7am to sip a glass of hot water with lemon. But remember, your morning routine means nothing without a good night’s sleep.

What’s that? You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in five years? Oh, well, never mind. Just keep doing what you’re doing.