The Praiseworthy Accomplishments of a Brand New Parent

Last night, you, a Brand New Parent, woke up in a cold sweat from a dream that your baby was a fish that you had to carry around in a small, open bag of water. The situation might’ve been peculiar, but the feeling is familiar. Stress dreams are commonplace now that you sleep four interrupted hours a night at most and are the person in charge of keeping a helpless baby thriving. You! You who killed three succulents despite trying really hard not to, and you who forgot how to ride a bike upon reaching adulthood.

Before the baby, you had hobbies and interests. Now, outside of babycare, your Brand New Parent life mostly revolves around doing laundry and putting laundry away–although you’re not doing either very well, and that is ok.

But let’s not focus on what you’re failing at when there’s a whole list of things you DID accomplish this month!

The Big Trim

Today, though the fear almost broke you, you managed to cut one (1) of the baby’s talon-like fingernails. She later woke up from her nap with enough scratches on her face to suggest that either a small but powerful cat jumped in her bassinet or you need to do something about the rest of her nails. Nine to go! The baby’s feet stay cloaked in socks no matter the weather or outfit because her toenails are your Everest.

A Balanced Diet

Today, you managed to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner and none of those meals were simply Eggos or a brick of cheese. You’re tempted to brag about this on Instagram but are quickly sucked into a vortex of targeted baby clothes ads and forget why you opened the app in the first place.

Baby Whisperer

Today it only took you two hours to put your baby down for a 20-minute nap. A true feat of parenting that you deserve a reward for, so you decide to keep 50 percent of your online purchases no matter what.

Friends with Babies

Today, you met up with Jackie, a friend whose baby was born the same week as yours. You made it out of the house and didn’t even forget diapers or a newborn onesie as a backup! You felt like such a mom, ready to talk mom stuff. Instead, her baby giggles and coos at strangers the entire time while yours has three meltdowns, poops violently, and refuses to acknowledge anyone except the plant in the corner.

Clean Clothes

Today, you did the laundry. You do the laundry every day. Laundry is your life now. But today, you didn’t forget you were doing it only to return to it four hours later and rewash everything because of that weird smell.

Keeping Friendships Alive

Today, you emailed your friend Molly back after three weeks. It was a run-on sentence ten paragraphs long in which you talked way too much about natural diaper rash solutions. After receiving it, she immediately called you to check if you were ok. You assured her that everything is fine, you’re just a new parent who sleeps very little. She kindly offered to come babysit so you can take a luxurious bath and have a nap. She’s also picking up some organic olive oil, shea butter and calendula diaper cream on her way. What a pal. 

Errand Queen

Today, you went grocery shopping. Unfortunately, the baby lost her mind in the checkout line, and you forgot your wallet at the checkout, but you did remember to buy more cheese. You’re doing great sweetie.

Carla Ciccone is a writer and mom from Toronto. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, bon appétit, and The Cut