Is My Kid's Screen Time Out Of Control?

We’ve now been parenting in a pandemic for a full year and while some changes have become routine, screen time remains a stressful conundrum in many families.

Spurred on by quarantine, remote schooling and open schedules, lots of parents worry they’ve hurt their kids by allowing time spent on screens to seemingly spiral out of control. Reassuringly though, according to the research, screen time is not the devil it’s been made out to be, and in many ways can be beneficial for everyone during these trying times, when parents set reasonable expectations, do their best to maintain limits and vet the content their children are consuming.

Here are some tips to help.

Make the most of increased screen time.

Thankfully, even in socially-distant times screens help our children stay social and close to family and friends. Given, though, that young children can be reluctant to join zoom playdates or spend much time facetiming grandparents, get creative and engage their interest by playing online games, watching a movie together, or even having lunch and reading a story over a zoom-date. 

Make memories and connect on your child’s terms. Have a child who’s obsessed with Minecraft or a tween obsessed with Tik Tok? Join them!

There’s pretty much a website or online experience for any interest your child may have harbored, but never had time to pursue. Ask your child if there’s anything they'd like to learn and show them how they can.

Don’t view screen time through an “addicted lens.”

Most moody meltdowns your child exhibits when screen time comes to an end mimic those that sporty kids have after losing a game. In both scenarios, kids care about their performance and get frustrated when they aren’t able to accomplish what they’d hoped. Really, only about 3% of the population are actually addicted to video games.

Think of limits as a way to protect time spent off screen, instead of time spent on.

Map a day with your child, making sure to protect chunks of time for things like academics (if relevant), daily tasks/chores, exercise, time outside, unstructured play, family-time, meals and hygiene. Then, if you wish, let your child spend the time that’s left in the day on screens, without feeling any guilt about it. One thing to note: If your child spends four hours on screens each day (not counting remote learning), it’s better to break the hours up with other activities in between, then four consecutive hours.

Have a plan for managing intense reactions to turn-off-times.

Be as calm as possible. Freaking out is the opposite of in control and some children even feel empowered by the negative reactions they provoke.

Challenge your child to control their behavior. For example, “If you’re able to turn off your iPad when the show is finished, you can earn 15 minutes of extra screen time tomorrow. If not, you’ll have 15 minutes less time tomorrow.”

Use visuals to make screen transitions easier. A Time Timer, for example, makes something that is invisible (time), visible. Otherwise, concepts related to time, like a few more minutes, can be too abstract.

Avoid planning screen time (if possible) just before an activity your child isn’t thrilled about (e.g., shower time).

Consider screen time a privilege, not an entitlement.

Create a collaborative plan with your child that addresses when, where and how screens can be used. Decide how much time your child can have, when they can have it (e.g., after homework is completed) and what desired behaviors will result in opportunities for bonus time. Start fresh each day.

Use screen time challenges to practice problem-solving with your child.

You know you have a screen time problem to solve, when...your child always pushes for more, sneaks games, sneaks iPad, etc.

Don’t be a dictator, making unilateral decisions. Imposing your own solutions will increase your child’s resistance and make it unlikely you’ll get buy-in.

Problems are best solved when done collaboratively and proactively. Here are four steps you can follow:

1) Show empathy. Who hasn’t been annoyed by having to turn off a show they’re binge-watching? (e.g., “I know how hard it can be to have to turn off something you’re really enjoying.”)

2) State your concerns, not the rule. “I loved the idea of us taking a bike ride, and it would be a bummer if we waited any longer and missed the chance to (ideally something that would incentivize your child to transition off screen.”)

3) Invite your child to problem solve with you (collaborate on potential solutions). “It sure is hard for us to get out the door after screen time, isn’t it? I wonder if there’s something we could change to make it easier. What do you think?”

4) Try one out and then re-visit to discuss. “I like your idea about creating a schedule for the day together every Saturday, so you’ll be able to check what comes next, and not be surprised. Let’s try it and see if it helps."

Together, come up with a list of activities your child enjoys (with pictures if necessary).

Having an “activity menu” at the ready (e.g., read, build a fort, play with the dog), that your child can choose from, will make them more motivated to pursue one. Rather than the alternative, where they come to you for ideas, and then reject each one you come up with, since it didn’t come from them.

Finally, model healthy screen use and go easy on yourself and your child!