So the letter-pressed invites are rolling in and you’re thinking of taking your children to a summer wedding. But what, exactly, is the best (and least anxiety-inducing) way to go about such a thing? We caught up with Alexandra Macon, Vogue contributor and founder of the ultimate online destination for all things nuptial, Over The Moon, for everything you need to know. From how to turn your purse into an arsenal of ceremony-ready distractions to knowing when it’s time to drag your minis off the dance floor to the absolute no-no you should avoid at all costs, Alexandra dishes on the rules of the road:

You’ve covered countless weddings all over the world for Over The Moon and Vogue. What is in fashion now in terms of including children in the festivities?

The trend now is to include children more, and I think it's because of the royal weddings. For a long time, in the United States, it had been in fashion not to include children, but I think people really do take their cues from the royals. Seeing all of those fantastic photographs of the children walking up the steps at St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle—especially those now iconic images of Jessica Mulroney’s sons holding the train up on Meghan Markle’s Givenchy dress—those were so stunning, and amazing, and I think they really had an impact. There are so many wonderful brands out there that make flower girl and page boy outfits that are so beautiful now that dressing children for this kind of occasion is a lot easier, and they make for a lovely addition to the wedding party overall. Plus, they’re super cute, and being involved is so exciting for them!

And what about children as guests? How do you know if children are included? Is bringing an infant along different than, say, crashing the party with a six-year-old?

I think the rules are the same for any age child: unless it’s specified on the invite, they’re not included. That said, if you’re very close with the couple getting married and you have an infant that’s just been born but you want to be at the ceremony and you’re not at a point yet where you’re comfortable leaving them with a sitter, then I think you can have that conversation in a very honest, respectful, open way. I recommend having this conversation over the phone or in person, not via text, so that tone isn’t hard to read and things don’t get misconstrued.

What about language? Do most people say “family” or is it customary to list every child’s name?

An invitation addressed to parents is not an open invitation to the entire family. The term “family” is frequently used but can be confusing when it comes to toddlers.

To figure out who’s really invited, look at the outer and inner envelopes...

If the invitation's outer envelope is addressed to:
Mr. and Mrs. Sean Carter

And the inner envelope says:
Mr. and Mrs. Carter

Then the Carters need to book a sitter because the kids are not included in this date night.

If the invitation’s outer envelope is addressed to:
Mr. and Mrs. Sean Carter

And the inner envelope says:
Mr. and Mrs. Carter
Blue Ivy, Rumi, and Sir

Then the full Carter crew has been given the green light and will likely be coming in hot!

If the invitation’s outer envelope is addressed to: The Carter Family and there’s no inner envelope, then all of the children in the Carter family are technically invited, but do think things through before piling everyone into the minivan. A late night reception might be too much for a child under six—and having them at the party could impact whether or not you’re able to let loose and have fun, so proceed with caution and book childcare accordingly. 

So you’ve decided to go for it and take your children to the ceremony and reception…any tips?

I’ll keep going with the Bey and Jay anecdotes…forget “I got hot sauce in my bag, swag.” Instead think: I've literally got everything I can possibly think of or need in my bag! Snacks? Check. Milk? Check. Paci? Wipes? Toys? Check, check, check. I suggest going with a full arsenal so that you’re equipped with whatever you might need to get through the service. And this might seem obvious, but choose a seat close to the aisle so you can step out if your mini starts making noise.

If you have children who are closer to my kids’ ages (at four and six) then having a conversation ahead of time, about what you’re doing, where you’re going, what the appropriate behavior is is really important. Rather than just throwing them into a situation without discussing what the expectations are.

Say your children are not invited, but you’re making a vacation out of it and you’re bringing them along to the destination. Is there anything to be mindful of in that case?

I always do what I can to find sitters they might be familiar with. If you’re going to a place where grandparents are accessible, for example, enlist them! Just do as much as you can to make sure the kids are in an environment where they feel as comfortable as possible and everything’s as familiar as possible. I also think if it’s possible to book accommodations with a kitchen and washer/dryer that can make all the difference—especially if your children are still really little. There’s nothing worse than going away for a few days and racking up a ton of hotel charges on half eaten room service for the kids or having to pack endless amounts of clothing because you know you won’t have access to laundry. 

Finally, I also like to think: "Have sound machine, will travel.” Really, I can’t say enough good things about a compact, tried and true sound machine or trustworthy app. They work wonders when it comes to trying to get a good night’s sleep on the road.

Is it ever okay to ask the bride for guidance, babysitter suggestions, etc?

Definitely. And if a couple has a lot of friends with children that they’re inviting to the wedding and people are traveling as families, listing potential babysitting options on the website can be a great resource to provide guests with. People are traveling as families so much more now, so this is a good thing for couples to keep in mind when wedding planning.

The good, the bad, the ugly…of all the weddings you’ve covered, attended, etc, do you have any favorite moments or show-stoppers involving children or flower girls gone rogue?

There was a wedding that I came across in Provence recently where the sweetest little flower girl forgot to drop petals as she made her way down the aisle. When she reached the end, she remembered what she’d overlooked and dumped everything in her basket out at her feet, making for cute comedic moment!

  And then, I’ll never forget when Grace van Cutsem covered her ears and grimaced on the balcony of Buckingham Palace while the crowds cheered as Prince William and Kate Middleton kissed. She stole the show! 

For the littlest members of the wedding party, walking down the aisle can be overwhelming. Any tips for making sure everything goes smoothly on the day of?

Again, having that conversation ahead of time can go a long way. When you’re child is going to be in a wedding, you typically start talking about it with them so far in advance—about what they’re going to wear and what they’ll be doing and they usually get really excited and start looking forward to it. That said, in that moment when there are all of those people in the audience watching, the walk down the aisle can become super intimidating. So having a back up-plan is important—is there someone who can help them get down that last leg of the aisle, or is there someone they can walk towards who can help incentivize them? And talking to them about behavior once they get up there. And if they do run into trouble, is there a place where they can go sit down with their mom or dad so they don’t distract from everything that’s happening? Having little plans in place should things go awry is key.

Any tips when it comes to attire? Favorite brands, picks for your daughters, etc?

Children can wear white! And I think there’s room to be a little more playful. There are so many more options than ever before. In the past, people often had to do custom and now there’s just so much out there. The Brock Collection for Maisonette collaboration is fantastic. There was one wedding I covered recently in Lyford Cay where the flower children had these really beautiful dresses on and then they wore Superga sneakers, and it was so cute. It was just adorable styling. Oh, and the flower crowns! There’s just so many things you can do now.

Meal time at home is tricky enough, much less a seated dinner for 150. Any tips for surviving a seated dinner with your sanity in check?

This part can be a little tricky, especially when it comes to getting your children to stay at the table during speeches and things like that. In this situation, you definitely don’t want to even think about handing a kid a phone. I don’t think that’s appropriate, and you want to avoid it at all costs. So having a coloring book at the table or just something that can engage them while people finish their meal is important. Usually, the bride or the couple will reach out about the meal or what the child might like in advance.

Minis on the dance floor. Adorable or a don’t?

Very adorable but for a limited amount of time. Parents need to make sure the kids get their moment, but don’t takeover. We tried to be really good about this when our daughter was a flower girl in my brother-in-law’s wedding. She wanted to be on the dance floor all. night. long. My husband was very on top of saying, ok, one or two dances, that’s fine—but he felt strongly about the fact that no one wants a small child on the dance floor all evening. It’s not going to get the party started, and it’s important as a parent to know when to pull them away and tell them it’s time to go home. 

And then there’s having that exit plan. If you as a couple want to stay later, is a grandparent taking them home early? That’s what we did when my kids were flower girls. Have that plan established well ahead of time. As a parent there’s a moment of guilt, “Oh she doesn’t want to go, should I go with her?”—but no matter what, having that plan and sticking to it will let everyone enjoy the night more.