The Kindergarten-o-Matic

Making the Grade

The Kindergarten-o-Matic

Inspired by the iconic Mad Libs, we created a form for turning those pesky application questions about yes, a 4-year-old into child’s play.

Instructions: Print out this document. Without showing your partner, ask them to suggest a word for all the blanks below. When complete, please read out loud and feel free to laugh. The process you’re in could use some levity – and maybe even a cocktail.


THE ACADEMIC QUESTION

What are your aspirations for your child as he or she transitions into a new school setting?

From an early age, our child Lexington (proper name) showed great promise as a future small animal veterinarian (adult occupation). In fact, his/her first word was not mama or dada. Instead, when he/she was 9 months old, he/she charmingly blurted out, "Béchamel!" (term used in higher mathematics or French cooking). Sensing that she had a gift, we hired a smelly (adjective ) donkey (noun) to come to our home twice a week to teach our child how to dance (verb) in the style of Rob Kardashian (celebrity or well-known person).

When she finally entered a twos program, she didn’t just play with modeling clay (type of art supplies), she/he took this medium to a different place that can only be described as lugubrious (adjective). When her teacher, Ms. Bradford (name of a family from the Mayflower passenger manifest or character from the Old Testament) saw the type of work our Little Mondrian (name of famous artist) was producing, she exclaimed, “Bon appetit!” (expression from a foreign language).

That is why we feel that your school would be the perfect next step on our child’s journey to the DMV (government building or cultural institution). Obviously, we are biased, but we think he/she is pretty magnanimous (adjective) and would thrive in a school such as yours that is the perfect mix of lax (adjective) academics and rigorous (adjective)personal development.


THE STRENGTHS QUESTION

Please use the space below to comment on your child's strengths.

We are not quite sure where it comes from, but our child was born with an abundance of empathy (virtue). As much as we would like to take credit for teaching her to be a delightful (adjective) delicatessen (noun), that is just who he/she is. We could easily see her growing up to be the next Ludwig van Beethoven (historical figure). Taking lessons from a master named Panama (foreign country) Red (color) solidified this gift. Enrichment is one thing, but his/her talent clearly comes from Apollo (name of mythical being). And we are certain your school will only make it even more fantabulous (adjective).


THE SETBACK QUESTION

Tell us about a time that your child had to deal with failure? How did he/she cope with this challenge?

Being the tallest (superlative form of an adjective) daisy (noun) in his/her pre-school is not always a barrel of hyenas (plural, type of animal). Because our child is so sweet (adjective), some of the other children tease him/her and call him/her a magical (adjective) trashcan (noun). Rather than turning over the problem to her teacher, we watched with pride as our child approached the worst offenders and jumped (verb) ferociously (adverb) while telling them, “Belches (plural noun) and stones may break my bones, but bananas (plural noun) will never hurt me.” Clearly, our leaders in Washington (name of city) could learn a lot from this child. If they were more like her, we would not be in the middle of The Great Vitamin (noun) Crisis.


THE CULTURAL-FIT-TRICK QUESTION

What are you looking for in a school?

Unlike many parents who see kindergarten as the first step to the Freemasons (name of a college or secret society), we see an academic career more as a twisting (adjective) road (noun). So, when it comes to finding an environment where our child can thrive we are looking for a school that treats its students as if they are rock stars (plural nouns) growing in a tundra (ecosystem in a foreign land). We realize no two children are alike — some are bears (type of animal) while others are birds of paradise (type of exotica fauna). Your school strikes us as the perfect place for all these different types of kids to thrive. And your head of school seems like the sort of person who could become the next Joan of Arc (saint or religious leader). Sign us up!


THE EXTRACURRICULAR QUESTION

What extracurricular activities does your child enjoy?

Maybe it started when our child was in the womb and would attend Barry’s Bootcamp (cult fitness class or something taught at General Assembly) with us, but since birth, our child has been obsessed with stamp collecting (hobby). A lot of our friends thought he/she was way too young to give him/her a protractor (noun), but we did it and now he/she is a green (color) belt in Krav Maga (type of martial arts).

Thanks to all the enrichment programs your school offers, we believe it is uniquely suited to nurture out child’s talent. If offered a place in next year’s class, our family would feel extremely (adverb) stoked (adjective), and we would say, “F-yeah!” (exclamation).